Protip: Stop Farting in Museums

Van Gogh painted with his right
hand and sliced his left ear,
or did he? #facts

When I was in grad school out here in Europe, the first job I had was being an Amsterdam tour guide for backpackers. I was one of those free tour guides with the red shirts who made a living off of tips. We were entertaining, funny, and arrogant -- you had to be for a crowd of 30+ Euro tripping stoners. I was loud and not so tall, which meant I had no problem standing on top of houseboats. Or wrapping my legs around on bridge railings. Or hollering (I am from the south, you know).

One time my backpack got stolen during a break.

One time I puked in front of an entire tour.

One time a guy in my group was tripping on mushrooms and stripped down to his underwear.

It was a very fun job. And the tips were great.

It was 2006 and Bush was president, which meant in Europe it was cool to hate on Americans. Amsterdammers would get real annoyed with my American yelling and retaliate by shouting prank comments as they biked by... like "SHE'S LYING!" and "DONT' BELIEVE HER!"

Protip -- always believe your tour guide. It's much more relieving for YOU. Like a sheep to a shepherd, let the guide lead you through this new unknown world (that is the European beaten path).

Protip -- stop farting in museums. As a private museum guide, I've never encounter so many crop-dusters in my LIFE than at the Van Gogh Museum. And I've been to hundreds of gigs. Countless plane rides. Many buses. Dozens of road trips. Nothing compares to the amount of farting that goes on at the Van Gogh Museum.

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